The Mexican

A couple of months ago, the fabulous Being Brazen posed an interesting question on her blog. It was based on a scene from "The Mexican" and asked the question "When is enough enough?" ( for the full link, go to http://www.beingbrazen.com/2009/07/movie-moment.html ). I was in a situation which was begging that question at the time, and didn't really have an answer, but it was a thought which has stuck with me for the last few months. Basically, to cut a long story short, I've been debating getting involved in a relationship with a friend of mine and we've been thinking about it and thinking about it for the last 2 years or so. He's a great person and I love him, but there were lots of factors which made things difficult and we never really managed to get over them. Everyone thought we were perfect for each other and that we should just give dating a try. The last 6 months were somewhat strained though and our friendship took a serious knock. We were completely honest with each other about our feelings, and, for the most part, it was like we were dating, because we'd generally see each other on weekends and talk during the week, and all that was really missing was the label which marked it as an "official" relationship. Eventually though, I started wondering whether enough was enough - was it time to make it official and be a couple, even with all the drama which it would create in our circle of friends, or were we just making each other miserable and wasting our time? I really wasn't sure, especially since I didn't want to let him go, because I love him. I wasn't sure that I could accept us just being friends, and that losing him (even if we weren't really dating), would make the bottom fall out of my world. But, eventually, enough was enough. I don't quite know when it happened, but it did. I had seen him out with his friends, and I just felt as if that was his life, and it was completely separate from mine, and that that was okay. And the sun still came up the next day, and I was happy. I was no longer drained and I felt free - free from all the stress of the "what if" game and all the uncertainty that came along with it.

It's been about 6 weeks now, and I'm still feeling great. I saw him for the first time about a week ago, and then over the weekend again, and I was okay. In fact, I was more than okay. Our friendship is still there, but I don't have the burden of having to guess what's going on between us and wondering if we'll ever figure things out. I didn't wonder what he was thinking and I didn't feel sad or confused when I left. What's even better is that I feel free to move on with my life - flirting at the party on Saturday night was part of it, and I've been feeling a lot more confident about myself. It feels a bit like I've found myself - and that I've turned out to be pretty cool! Life goes on. I even met a really nice guy at movies last night, and while I don't know if anything will come of it, it felt good to just spend time with someone new and completely different. Maybe I'll end up dating him, and maybe I won't. I don't know and I'm not going to have sleepless nights about it. I'm just enjoying this feeling of freedom and discovering who I really am and what I want.

As an aside... I woke up this morning with this song in my head. I love Matchbox 20, and the lyrics seemed somewhat appropriate for my state of mind.

"Waking up at the start of the end of the world
But it's feeling just like every other morning before
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come
Well, I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come

I think it turned 10 o'clock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's nowhere to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
Said "Where you going man? You know the world is headed for hell.
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to."

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come
Well, I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come

It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool, cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool, cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come
Well, I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come".