Earth

Apologies for having abandoned my blog for the last month or so - things have been rather chaotic! In between the end of term, essays, finishing data collection, doing data entry and battling my stats program in the hope of one day being able to finish my research project, there hasn't been too much time for blogging!

There has been rather a lot to blog about though! Firstly, the World Wildlife Fund (http://blogs.panda.org/climate/) hosted an initiative a couple of weeks ago, in which they asked people to blog about climate change. Now, I could write a really heart-wrenching post about the melting ice-caps, but instead I'm going to write about recycling - with a difference. I'm not talking about recycling glass or paper or making compost (all of which are really good ways to recycle). Instead, I'm talking about recycling intellectual property. I don't mean plagiarism though - 4 years of lectures on referencing will put the fear of God into you should you ever decide to neglect good ol' APA format referencing. Basically, I discovered that my Honours neuropsychology essay topic this year was almost identical to last year's 3rd year essay topic. Since I was rather stressed and short on time, I decided to "recycle" last year's essay into a new, slightly updated essay - not a bad idea, considering that I got 86% for it the first time round. It didn't go particularly well - I wasn't too motivated about it, and the electricity went off twice while I was typing it, which meant that my computer switched itself off and I had a small nervous breakdown. I got my mark back though - 90%! If I keep handing in this essay, I should eventually get 100%! Hurray for recycling!

Finishing my research proved to be a bit of a disaster too! I eventually finished data collection (54 proved to be close enough to 60 to be an acceptable size sample), did my data entry (the joy of reducing 8 months of work to a bunch of 1’s and 0’s on an Excel spreadsheet) and started data analysis. Analysis lasted all of 10 minutes, because the stats program remained grumpy, and I eventually ended up at the house Granville was house-sitting, from 18:30 to 00:30 on a Tuesday night, running my stats on his laptop! And after a week of very little sleep, multiple drafts, sending my supervisor 40 page drafts via fax and discovering that in 8 months, I actually found nothing, it was handed in on the 30th of October, all bound and shiny. I’ve set up another blog for my research findings (or lack thereof), so got to http://risktakingbehaviourresearch.blogspot.com/2009/11/results-and-discussion.html, if you’re interested (or bored).

Having handed in on the 30th at 13:00, I then invigilated a 3 hour exam with Granville and Bronwyn. Granville had also just handed in, and had pretty much pulled an all-weeker (rather than an all-nighter), and so we were all rather exhausted. I had bought everyone a packet to sweets from Woolies (the gelatine-free ones) to get us through the afternoon, and by the end of it, we were all hyper, and were all head-banging to whatever music we were listening to on our iPods. Between all this, we escorted students to the bathroom, read a little bit, chatted to the psych lecturers (who all think we’re nuts) and watched Granville twirl his moustache (surprisingly fascinating). It was actually a rather fun afternoon!

As exciting as all of the above has been, there are 2 rather huge pieces of news. Number one is that I’ve been accepted for Research Masters for 2010, which means that I get to do another degree, get an office and don’t have to join the real world for at least another 2 years! I also get to figure out what I want to do with my life, etc. The second piece of very exciting news is that I have a boyfriend. And it’s not the Crush or the Potential Potential. It is, in fact, someone who has been mentioned a couple of times on this blog (see my posts entitled "The Beach", "Casino Royale" and "Brokeback Mountain"), and who Helen has named He Of Many Sports Injuries (which I quite like, and which I will now adopt). We've been together for about a month or so, and he's very lovely. I won't bore (or nauseate) you with the details though. Fair to say though, I think my inner romantic cynic is slowly dying... ;)

Drop Dead Gorgeous

I've been debating this blog post all week, and regret to inform my readers (or anyone else who has randomly stumbled across this part of the interweb) that I have very little going on in my life at the moment. In summary (yes, I can actually summarize the absence of action/excitement in my life at the moment):

• I am finished data collection and the grand total of people tested is 54. 6 people have been excluded because they either met my exclusionary criteria, because they were outliers or because they matched people who were outliers or who met said exclusionary criteria. I have just realised that I could've cut myself some slack and tested 40 or 50 people and my supervisor would never have known, because she doesn't remember how many people I intended to test in the first place. Why have I only realised this in the last 5 minutes, after 2 months of insanity??? Why? Anyway, I am now moving onto data analysis...
• I write 2 exams - one on the 2nd of November and one on the 16th of November. The less said about those, the better!
• I still have no idea what I'm doing next year. MACC haven't let me know if I'm in their programme yet, I'm still waiting to find out if I got into Research Psychology Masters and I'm running out of backup plans.
• Things with the 2 potential potentials are still complicated. I'm seeing both of them this weekend - separately (obviously). I'm still not sure what I want, but I don't want to lead either of them on while I figure things out.
• My dog is currently at the vet, on a drip for kidney failure. This makes me feel really sad.
  

Anyway... A couple of weeks ago, Helen tagged me to do one of those "10 Random Things About Me" lists. It's taken me a while to get around to it, but here goes, I guess!

1. The movie character who I most identify with is Natalie Portman's character in "Garden State". No idea why, but it just kind of feels like watching myself on screen. Maybe it's the hair. Or the house filled with the hamster mazes.
2. I'm at least slightly OCD about cleanliness. The less asked about this, the better.
3. I have a list of movies that I refuse to watch with other people, because I simply adore the movie too much to let anyone else potentially ruin it for me. The list currently consists of "City of Angels", "Romeo + Juliet" and "The Matrix" trilogy. Weird, I know!
4. Whenever I hear a song on the radio at the moment, I find myself mentally picturing how I would dance to it. It's called "spontaneous musical imagery" according to my friend Bronwyn, who is studying this for her Masters. It's really weird and has just increased exponentially in the last 3 weeks. I have a theory that it happens more when I'm happy.
5. I'm currently organising a party at a friend's house (or rather, at the house which he's house-sitting). It belongs to some crazy Germans who appear to be into some fairly kinky stuff. I don't know how I ended up being the chief organiser. Oh wait... I do. I volunteered. Oops.
6. I am very bad at flirting. Or rather, I am very good at flirting with boys who should not be flirted with, and very bad at holding a normal conversation with a boy I like. The Crush is definitely proof of this.
7. I am seriously debating whether I should be a psychologist, or whether I should be doing medicine instead. Or joining a Buddhist monastery.
8. I don't think that I'll ever be able to bring myself to eat meat ever again.
9. I spend far too many Saturday nights in front of my PC, either doing assignments, blogging or messing around on Facebook.
10. I love public speaking, but having to approach small groups of strangers (like at varsity or at a party) terrifies me. I'd rather speak to a room of 400 people.

Thanks Helen! In return, I'm tagging Luke, Leia and Helen.

And in case you were wondering about the title of this post... It was inspired by an interview I saw on TV yesterday while I was channel-hopping. Some TV show was interviewing a group of the girls who were contestants in the Miss Teen South African pageant, and the girl they were speaking to described meeting the other contestants as "the most utterly traumatic experience of my life, because they were all so pretty". Um... Yeah. It just reminded me of the movie "Drop Dead Gorgeous" - it's in incredibly poor taste, but unbelievably funny. Watch it, but don't say that I didn't warn you that you'd probably feel at least slightly uncomfortable afterwards.

The Uninvited

This post isn't really about anything more than the song that I've had in my head for the last 4 days. I'm hoping that by blogging about it, it might just disappear (and be replaced by "I am the Walrus" by The Beatles or something that makes equally little sense). Fair to say, the song is pretty apt, considering my current romantic situation (which has been made a little bit less complicated, because I had "the talk" with one of the parties last night).

Uninvited

Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman, I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting watching the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening to watch shepherd meet shepherd
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory, I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like you have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

Okay. Enough. Please let this song go away now. Please. Thanks. Bye. :)

The Beach

It's official - a change is as good as a holiday. 5 days at the beach, however, is the best sort of holiday to have (except for maybe 6 or 7 or 8 days at the beach)! After all my sleepless nights, early mornings, weekends of general antisocial-ness and seriously hard work, I got my weekend away at Warner Beach, and it was undoubtedly worth it!

The week leading up to leaving was pretty frantic, and I didn't get to pack until about an hour before we left on the Wednesday! This was mostly because of a small problem that I encountered in the Wits postgraduate parking area as I was trying to leave campus at 10:15 on Wednesday morning: due to the ICC Champions' Trophy cricket tournament, the Wits cricket field was being used as a practice ground by the Indian cricket team, and I got parked in by the team bus! And the driver had disappeared, the Wits parking guards were unable to leave their post (because it takes 2 people to stand and swipe people in - yeah right!) and the team manager was nowhere in sight! I eventually got some police officers to help me, and the bus driver was found and the bus was moved pulled. It was pretty funny - I might even have laughed, if I hadn't been in a huge hurry!

Sarah, Garrith and I eventually left Johannesburg at 13:00, and I spent most of the trip updating Sarah on the madness that is my life, helping a tutling with his essay via sms and comparing weather reports with the Potential. I also managed to do a fair amount of my course reading before it got dark and cloudy. By the time we got to Pietermaritzburg, it was raining and foggy, which made visibility problematic, and we got rather soaked running from the car to the mall where we stopped to have supper (white t-shirt = bad choice). We arrived at Warner Beach at about 21:00, and sat and listened to the ocean that we couldn't see (thanks to the rain and the fact that it was dark) for a while. I woke up at 5:30 the next morning (and every single morning for the rest of the weekend, in fact. The joys of my body clock!), and did some reading. Once everyone else was awake, we went exploring, and took a very long walk on the beach. It was cloudy, but warm, and there was just something lovely about walking on beach sand and having the waves lap at my feet every so often. Once we got back, we went shopping, and after lunch, I wrote one of my mini-essays, and went for another walk on the beach.

Friday was pretty miserable weather-wise, since it was very cloudy and drizzling slightly, so Sarah, Garrith and I did what all Jo'burger's do at the coast in such situations - we went to Gateway. This was an excellent way to kill time - we wandered around for ages and then had lunch. We also did a fair amount of wandering around in an effort to find the car afterwards - Gateway is enormous and terribly confusing, despite the fact that we had a map (this should be an indication of how many people do get lost there - how many malls actually give you maps?!?). We fetched Graham from the airport at about 19:00, and spent the rest of the evening catching up and watching DVD's, and fighting about vegetarian food.

We finally got to swim in the sea on Saturday - it was nice and warm, and not particularly windy, and I didn't get dumped by any waves or injured, which is pretty miraculous for me! We went swimming on Sunday too, but is was incredibly windy - to the point that we were about the only people on the beach! In between all of this, we played poker (I won!) and Risk (I got annihilated) and watched some more DVD's, and I had a huge fight with my data, finished my course reading and completed the final mini-essay. We also went for a couple more walks on the beach and I took lots of photos, especially of the beach at dusk.

We all got along really well, which was nice (especially by comparison to my last beach holiday, where at least 2 parties weren't speaking by the time we drove home). I do, however, have my suspicions as to whether some matchmaking was going on, because Graham and Sarah seemed to leave Garrith and I alone on the beach an awful lot (and we kind of assumed that they were doing the "romantic walk on the beach" thing, so we wandered along and took photos). This isn't really making the situation with the Potential any less complicated, and I'm rather confused about things at the moment, and will probably be writing somewhat cryptic and dramatic blog posts in the near future. What will be will be, I guess (although if it could be simple and lacking in drama, that would be really nice)!

In any case, we drove back on Monday, in more nasty weather, and I'm now back home, experiencing beach withdrawal and enjoying my slight tan (just dark enough to make me look less pale, but not dark enough to arouse suspicion from the psych department, who probably wouldn't endorse my mini-holiday). The really good news is that I have received a 2 week extension from the department for my research report, which means that it is now due on the 30th of October. I am so relieved. And I now merely need to finish my neuropsychology essay and all my hand-ins will be complete! Win!

Punked

I'm not sure if I'm losing my mind, or if I'm being punked. I'm seriously beginning to think that it's the latter. Along with my weird dissociative episodes (which are probably due to low blood pressure) and my serious bouts of productivity, this week has been its own shade of strangeness!

I've made quite a bit of progress on the potential weekend-away to-do list. I've written 2 mini-essays (and I'm planning on doing the other 2 in the car on the way down) and a first draft of my research report (although I need to reshuffle the order of my methods section). I'm also more than halfway through my data collection - and seriously beginning to think that I'm going to reduce my sample size to 40, instead of 60, because it's just becoming ridiculous now! I have got a load of scuba divers and mountain climbers lined up for the weekend, which is making me feel a bit better. I'm still not sure whether I'll actually be going down to Durban though - it's really dependant on how much further I get with data collection and whether I can run my stats on my laptop (which isn't looking too promising at the moment, since Vista refuses to run any other software other than itself. Grr...).

I have at least started running and swimming again. The swimming has been great (aside from the creepy old guy who was suntanning in his Speedo) and the running was okay (except for the bizarre near-fainting moment where I started seeing auras). I'm feeling a little fitter, but that might just be from carrying my laptop bag up and down the stairs of the psych department.

On to the serious strangeness though... I did some data collection on Sunday afternoon at a friend's house, and tested my friend and his girlfriend, who are both scuba divers. They disappeared off to his room, and I was left chatting to his brother, who is 21, and has always had a bit of a thing for me. I ended up sitting outside with him while he had a smoke, and we got chatting about things. Somehow, we got onto the subject of friends with benefits - I think he was trying to figure out whether I was interested in being beneficial friends with him. When it became apparent that I wasn't that kind of girl, he changed tactics and asked me to dinner and a movie (which is probably proof that you should always ask for more than beneficial friend status). I was feeling fairly awkward about this, but he was kind of cute. I compromised by saying that I wouldn't be free until after the 16th of October, which he more or less seemed to accept. He didn't have my number though, so I figured I'd have the opportunity to think it through a little more before I saw him again. Sadly, this failed somewhat miserably. I spent Tuesday evening testing a friend (who is actually the other potential potential) at Mugg & Bean in Rosebank. The evening was fairly normal, aside from:

1. Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" being played as background music in the coffee shop (which was then balanced out by Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies".
2. Paul calling me to ask what goes with apples
3. the fact that I was doing psychological testing in a coffee shop.

It went downhill on the way out of the coffee shop though, because I got a phone call. The number looked somewhat familiar and the voice on the line sounded an awful lot like The Crush. He wanted to know if I wanted to go to Doors with him and his brother's friends. I then discovered that he actually wasn't going to Doors, and wanted me to come over, because his parents were away. At this point, I still thought it was The Crush and said yes, but that I needed his address, which confused him, since he was convinced that I knew where he lived, since I'd been to his house before. He then realised that I clearly thought he was someone else, and I then realised that it wasn't The Crush, but was in fact Dinner and a Movie Guy. Naturally, I felt like an idiot, and was so flustered that I quickly refused, said it was too late at night, that I had to be at Wits early the next day and that I would see him at varsity sometime (preferably in about 8 months' time!)! I was so mortified - especially since The Potential Potential was right there. I spent the next 2 hours with him, explaining that I wasn't the kind of girl who went to boys' houses late at night when their parents weren't there. He actually proved to be very good at calming me down and it's now become a running joke between us - thank goodness! I did tell The Crush about the incident, which he thought was spectacularly funny. Fair to say that the entire incident felt like a bad joke - or an episode of "Punked" - though!

The Amazing Race

Why does time fly when you're having fun? And when you have 3 textbook chapters to read, a research report draft to write and 40 peoples' brains to test? Sigh... My research break has been fairly productive, but I feel like I could've got more done. That said, I didn't have too much free time, since I worked an extra shift at the vet (which involved wet paint, 3 dachshunds, dozens of cats and the most impossible customer on the planet) and had to go engagement present shopping as well. I did have a fun week though - I went to movies with friends, may or may not have been on a date (I'm still not sure, but I'm going to pretend that it was) and bought new jeans. I don't feel particularly rested, which is probably a good thing - the sunny weather has at least increased my energy levels and improved my mood dramatically.

I do need a proper holiday though - or at least a change (which might be just as good as a holiday). I was invited to go down to Sarah's parents' place at the coast in 3 weeks' time, over the long weekend. I initially thought that I couldn't go because I had far too much work, and even if I took my laptop with, the prospect of sitting on the beach, reading a journal article, was pretty depressing. Somehow though, after my bizarre emotional roller coaster of a weekend, I have changed my mind, and have decided that going away for 5 days would be fantastic and just what I need. The proviso, of course, is that I get all my work done (or at least most of it, so that I can just spend the car trip reading journal articles). As such, I have a list, and I'm in a race against time. In the next 3 weeks, I need to:

1. finish data collection (also known as "test the brains of 42 more people")
2. write my neuropsychology essay
3. write a draft of my research report
4. do data entry and data analysis
5. write 3 more mini-essays for psychopathology
6. lose a bit of weight (it is the coast and my bikini has been in hiding for 6 months)
7. start running or swimming again

It actually seems manageable. And strangely do-able. So, I'm hoping that I can get leave from work and enjoy 5 days of sunshine, beach sand and good company!

The Mexican

A couple of months ago, the fabulous Being Brazen posed an interesting question on her blog. It was based on a scene from "The Mexican" and asked the question "When is enough enough?" ( for the full link, go to http://www.beingbrazen.com/2009/07/movie-moment.html ). I was in a situation which was begging that question at the time, and didn't really have an answer, but it was a thought which has stuck with me for the last few months. Basically, to cut a long story short, I've been debating getting involved in a relationship with a friend of mine and we've been thinking about it and thinking about it for the last 2 years or so. He's a great person and I love him, but there were lots of factors which made things difficult and we never really managed to get over them. Everyone thought we were perfect for each other and that we should just give dating a try. The last 6 months were somewhat strained though and our friendship took a serious knock. We were completely honest with each other about our feelings, and, for the most part, it was like we were dating, because we'd generally see each other on weekends and talk during the week, and all that was really missing was the label which marked it as an "official" relationship. Eventually though, I started wondering whether enough was enough - was it time to make it official and be a couple, even with all the drama which it would create in our circle of friends, or were we just making each other miserable and wasting our time? I really wasn't sure, especially since I didn't want to let him go, because I love him. I wasn't sure that I could accept us just being friends, and that losing him (even if we weren't really dating), would make the bottom fall out of my world. But, eventually, enough was enough. I don't quite know when it happened, but it did. I had seen him out with his friends, and I just felt as if that was his life, and it was completely separate from mine, and that that was okay. And the sun still came up the next day, and I was happy. I was no longer drained and I felt free - free from all the stress of the "what if" game and all the uncertainty that came along with it.

It's been about 6 weeks now, and I'm still feeling great. I saw him for the first time about a week ago, and then over the weekend again, and I was okay. In fact, I was more than okay. Our friendship is still there, but I don't have the burden of having to guess what's going on between us and wondering if we'll ever figure things out. I didn't wonder what he was thinking and I didn't feel sad or confused when I left. What's even better is that I feel free to move on with my life - flirting at the party on Saturday night was part of it, and I've been feeling a lot more confident about myself. It feels a bit like I've found myself - and that I've turned out to be pretty cool! Life goes on. I even met a really nice guy at movies last night, and while I don't know if anything will come of it, it felt good to just spend time with someone new and completely different. Maybe I'll end up dating him, and maybe I won't. I don't know and I'm not going to have sleepless nights about it. I'm just enjoying this feeling of freedom and discovering who I really am and what I want.

As an aside... I woke up this morning with this song in my head. I love Matchbox 20, and the lyrics seemed somewhat appropriate for my state of mind.

"Waking up at the start of the end of the world
But it's feeling just like every other morning before
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come
Well, I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come

I think it turned 10 o'clock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's nowhere to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
Said "Where you going man? You know the world is headed for hell.
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to."

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come
Well, I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come

It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool, cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool, cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come
Well, I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend
Let's see how far we've come, let's see how far we've come".